ernie5k

I'm excited for this new job to begin.  I'm scheduled to come in on Friday to take care of my paperwork, find the new office, set up my hours, etc. before I actually begin working next week.  It's a bit of a relief to know I'll be doing something that requires more than just a high school degree, and I'm really glad that Zanzibar was so flexible in letting me cut back my hours to a part time position.

I am a bit anxious, however, about the money situation.  I know I'm taking a hit in taking on this new job, simply due to the fact that I will no longer be eligible for overtime with Zanzibar and won't be walking home at the end of the day with tips.  Additionally, although my health insurance is now covered by my new job, I'll have to spend more on gas and groceries.  Nonetheless, I am pretty happy with how things are right now.  Yeah I'll probably be making less, but I honestly couldn't go on working each day at the cafe knowing that my B.A. was sitting neatly on my resume next to my honors degree and various academic achievements collecting dust. 

Despite being content with the state of affairs at the moment, I feel panicky when I think about my future and where I'm going in life.  I look back to my sophomore year of college...I was so determined to succeed and to do well and get into a top law school.  And now, all my certainty has just waned away to a crust.  I have days where that determination comes back with a vengeance and I pull out all my LSAT books and study furiously.  And then almost as quickly, that determination fades and I'm left questioning if this is really what I want to do with my life.

According to numerous Briggs-Meyers tests I've taken to try and get some guidance as to what to do, I'm an ENFJ.  Less than 2.5% of the population.  I get personal satisfaction from helping others, I dream big, I enjoy being creative, and I enjoy variety and new challenges.  I need approval from others to feel good about my decisions.  I value structure and organization, but hate detached logical analysis.  I know these facts about myself already.  But what the hell am I supposed to do with these qualities? 

I'm drawn to the idea of being a lawyer because there are opportunities for travel, a solid salary, and opportunities to help people who don't understand the situation they're in and need it explained.  I like research, I like challenges, and it seems a career in law would be a relatively stable one.  But is that enough?

I've considered other career options as well.  A masters in international health is something I would love to pursue...but what prevents me from diving head first into a grad program is the lack of job security.  Sure, I could study formulas on how to implement public health legislation in foreign countries, or manage a foreign aid program, but it's not enough to guarantee a job where I won't have to struggle to make ends meet.  And although I love to travel, I also realize it's important to me to be able to see my family often.  If I weren't located in the U.S., I would want to make at least enough money to be able to fly home for the holidays. 

I almost just want to wing it and see where life takes me, but that thought terrifies me as well.  I've always been a planner, and I don't want next year to arrive and find me in the same boat I'm in right now - struggling to figure out what I want to do with my life.  i see so many losers coming into Zanzibar who talk about their goals and dreams and hopes for the future...even though they're in their late 30s and have yet to go back and finish college.  I know I'm already finished, but that almost makes me feel worse.  What next?  What do I do?  Where is the damn instruction manual telling me the decisions I should be making that will allow me to get where I want to be?

And where the hell is that?

I don't know if I can make it these last two days.


Update to follow.


Ugh.

I am completely, totally, utterly exhausted. I'm probably running on a total of about 10 hours of sleep from this entire week. I'm at the point of tired where you lay in bed awake because you're so tired that you can't fall asleep.


And yet, somehow, I am more happy right now than I can ever remember being.


Life has brought some unexpected, yet delightfully silly changes. I can't really explain everything right now because I'm all tangled up in everything. But life is very, very good right now.

Well I guess I better get this inevitably long post over with.

I got a job! I really did! And I didn't have just one, but two job offers to choose from!

Finally!

I accepted a job with Barton Hegeler Esq, a medical malpractice firm in the UTC area of La Jolla that basically works court cases defending doctors being sued for medical negligence. I was asked to come in for an interview last Monday, right after a morning interview with Gunderson Dettmer for a receptionist position, and about an hour afterward, Barton Hegeler called me back and offered me a job. I'll be working full time Monday through Friday as a legal assistant, and had my first day of training last Thursday.

I thought that this job offer would leave me dancing on air, since I'd been looking for a job since December and was basically feeling burnt out from the lack of interviews I'd been getting. In fact, I had told myself Monday morning that if these two interviews didn't pan out, I would begin working at the Riverside legal aid center and find another part time job to supplement my income. When the job offer came through though, it was so sudden that I immediately spit out an acceptance. Yet when I hung up the phone, I felt a wave of panic hit me. Was this what I wanted? Was I ready to move? Was I ready to buckle down with an eight thirty to five job? Move to a new city without knowing anyone?

I had a night of panic infused frustration. I admit it, I cried a bit and told my mom I didn't know if I was making the right choice. Some of it was fear of the unknown, and a lot of it, I think, was just stress mounting from the two days prior.

Everyone knows I was frustrated with Outback. For one, I don't eat meat, so there's a problem in itself right there (although I have to admit...I've been eating chicken lately). I decided to quit Monday evening after accepting my new job position so that I wouldn't be put on the schedule for the following week. In order to leave with a good impression, I baked cookies for both my managers, and delivered them Monday night. Only one of my managers was there when I dropped them off, and I told him I would finish my shifts for the rest of the week so that they weren't short on staff. He smiled and thanked me and told me I'd be missed. I felt good, and was pleased with the fact that I would be able to earn a little extra money before moving out to San Diego. However, my shift Wednesday night (the next night I worked) was a disaster. I was scheduled to work in take away and to make a long story short, the OTHER manager was there, who had up until this point been very nice to me, and he basically treated me like complete shit. I could've cried. But every time I felt my eyes getting hot with tears, I would silently remind myself that this was a stupid job that I didn't care about anyways and that it definitely wasn't something worth crying about. But yes, being called a "fuck up," "waste of my time and money," and "fucking mistake" while I'm running around trying to handle a shit load of orders and being way backed up was definitely not something I felt like dealing with. So I left.

Anyways, all this drama, plus some family drama and the fact that I'm growing extremely irritated with an additional two people living in my house all kind of added up to a mental breakdown Wednesday night. I called some of my friends and told them my story, then listened to their advice. I drove to the grocery store and paced around the aisles while phoning everyone I could think of. Finally, I drove over to McKenna and forced Silvia to show me how to use a curling iron while I vomited my thoughts all over her room and distracted her from being at all productive. But I got a good reality check from Silvia, and felt even better about my decision when I pulled away from the Claremont colleges.

Thursday was my first day of work. I commuted. A six a.m. wake up call + eight hours of work + two hours of meeting with potential roommates + two hour commute home = a very long day indeed. Luckily, my cousin who lives in San Diego with her husband and son is going to let me stay with her during the week for the next month while I look for an apartment and get settled in.

Despite the incredibly long and tiresome day it was, I really had a great time. I'm very excited about this job and glad I made the decision to go for it. The attorneys I work with are great, the work is interesting, and I like that I have an hour long lunch break where I can walk across the street to the outdoor shopping mall or to the park nearby to get some fresh air and split my day up a bit. Even more exciting is Pacific Beach, where I've been apartment hunting. It's a gritty, but young town full of 20-30 year olds all looking to meet people and get their lives started. I met some fantastic people, and am really hoping a couple of the apartments I interviewed at work out. We'll see.

Also exciting was that the Jeep was finally retired today after I bought my first car. I bought a car! Well, I have four years to pay off a loan I took out on it, but I put a good sum of money down that I've been saving up since I was little, and took it home today. I love love love it. My little baby blue.

I'm optimistic. A new life is starting. And seeing how crazy I've been going from living at home lately, the timing couldn't have been better.

I don't know if it's the lack of anything really exciting going on in my life at the moment or the constant uphill battle I'm facing with this job search, but lately I've just found myself completely and utterly exhausted. I've been terrible with running, I wake up throughout the night and end up sitting in bed reading until the sun comes up, and I find myself making more snarky comments than usual more out of agitation than actual annoyance.

I went to bed last night feeling hopeful. I had applied to a couple jobs in San Francisco and Washington, DC, just to check out the prospects, and immediately got four calls back asking for interviews. Although I ignored the calls from DC (I had really only submitted the applications to see if I'd get a call back), I did respond to the calls from the firms in San Francisco, and although one of them turned me down due to the distance between Upland and the Golden Gate, the other offered to set up a phone interview for today at precisely 3pm. Though unsure of whether I would actually be able to move to San Francisco because of the high cost, I was excited to have something to write in my calendar and spent the rest of yesterday evening imagining myself moving into a crappy apartment on the city outskirts and navigating the BART system to get to my first day of work.

My day today revolved entirely around this 3pm interview. I researched the firm all morning, making sure I was familiar with the different practice areas they deal in, their past clients and cases, and their philosophy. I rehearsed possible interview questions as I went for the first run I've been on in a week, and at 2:30, I hopped into the Jeep armed with pad and paper to take notes and a cheat sheet with the firm's profile information, then drove to the Colonies where I knew I'd get better phone reception. At 3pm, my heart began to beat a little quicker as I waited for the phone to ring.

And waited.

And....waited.

At 3:45, I began nodding off when the phone began dancing about on the seat next to me. At last! I thought, diving at it. However, before answering, I noticed that the area code was 951...which is definitely Riverside.

"Hello?" I asked hesitantly.

No, it was not the firm in San Francisco, who might as well have sent me a bag of flaming dog poop instead of forcing me to battle gnats in the Colonies parking lot. It was the legal aid center in Riverside I had applied to volunteer at a few weeks earlier responding to my call. Though I would love to work with legal aid, and probably will until I actually find a full time position....it's unpaid. Which means continuing to live at home.

I drove home all the while launching invisible missiles from my car into the San Francisco firms headquarters and wrote an e-mail to the girl who had set up the appointment politely asking what had happened, but including a little bit of a snide undertone.

Whatever.

I told Sarah tonight when I met up with her for dinner...I just feel so torn about this whole situation. I really do miss DC and all the fun things that were always going on and the fast-paced lifestyle I lived there. And if I'm going to live in California, I'd like to be in San Diego...but it just seems so slow paced. I miss waking up and hitting the ground running. But at the same time, it's so hard for me to be that far from home. I don't like having to miss birthdays and holidays and family get togethers. And I love the weather here in California.

I just hope something works out soon.

Still applying to jobs, still no responses from anyone.

Man.

I'm now applying to some of the restaurants in Victoria Gardens to try and earn some extra money while I wait. Outback schedules me for only about 2 to 4 shifts per week because they're so overstaffed, and frankly, I hate the food there and a pissed that I can't pick up more shifts. Unfortunately, I can't actually get any interviews with managers until next Monday at the earliest, but hopefully something pans out.

In the meantime, I'm waiting to hear back from the local court houses about the status of my application. They have some positions that pay about $10 an hour for court trainees, but I'm almost tempted to just say fuck it at this point and work full time as a waitress somewhere. This whole search process has just left me feeling really inadequate, burnt out, and like a failure.

I'm worried I'm getting too comfortable living at home, but I'm saving myself and my parents a lot of money by doing it, so I guess I shouldn't worry too much. Having all these extra people in the house is really hard though. Michelle's back at school, but Katie's here all week, mulling about the house in her PJs and refusing to get a job. Her husband comes and stays on weekends and does the same. Diana just finished her last options for youth course and is taking a night class at Pasadena once a week while she waits to hear back from colleges. And me? I wake up every morning, watch television, go to the gym, sit in front of the computer for hours applying for jobs, and try to come up with ways to keep myself entertained.

The job hunt continues. And so do the frustrations. I know you're all sick of hearing about this, but this job search is consuming my life right now.

I've officially applied to over 100 jobs since December. Since then, I have had a grand total of four interviews...including the temp agency, which interviews everyone. My most exciting prospect was with DLA Piper, the #2 internationally ranked firm where I wowed the prescreener and then blew the actual interview. I sounded like such an idiot in there, and I could see in their faces as I spoke that they saw the interview as more of a joke than anything. This was followed by a call from the temp agent shortly after, who informed me that she had been sure that I had had the job in the bag prior to the interview, but that honestly, she didn't think she was going to be able to find me anything since I lacked legal experience and didn't actually live in the San Diego area.

Frustrated, I began scouring for jobs in Los Angeles and the surrounding area instead. I applied to a couple positions through criagslist and was delighted when a firm dealing in entertainment law based out of Beverly Hills called me Wednesday morning and scheduled an interview. I canceled all my Wednesday plans, which included lunch with a friend I haven't seen in awhile, woke up extra early to get ready, put together my resume file, and picked up a Starbucks to calm my nerves before fighting the 9:30 am traffic on the 10 W for an hour and a half into Beverly Hills. I managed to get all the way there and was looking for a parking spot twenty minutes before my interview was set to commence when I heard my cell phone ringing in my purse. I wasn't able to answer it in time, but my voicemail picked it up. As soon as I could, I pulled over to the curbside, only to listen in dismay as the message in my mailbox informed me "Hello Irene, this is in regards to your interview. We actually no longer need you to come in as we hired someone this morning. Thank you."

Okay, WHAT?! Dude, TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE MY INTERVIEW. TWENTY MINUTES. They didn't even give me a chance! I started crying. I couldn't help it. This whole scenario is just a repeat of what has seemed like my life since graduating. You grow up being told that you're smart, you're capable, and that you have the potential to do great things. And most people who are told that have such amazing opportunities when they finally get out of college.

And then there's me.

I graduated with honors. I got to go to some amazing places and do things that no one else has had the opportunity to do. I worked hard and got myself into what I thought was a good position. And now? I am living at home with my parents and working at an Outback Steakhouse. I've become one of those people where past classmates and their families walk in and see me when they go out to a family dinner celebrating their great achievements and new jobs, and can point and say "Hey, isn't that Erynne Jones? Wasn't she in AP? And she's working at Outback now. She must have fucked up." Which, really, I did. I don't really have anything going for me right now, and to be honest, I'm out of ideas on how I can possibly do anything to improve the situation.

I really wish I had taken the LSATs last summer instead of sitting around doing nothing productive. I thought I was making a better decision by waiting, but I have a year and a half to sit around and feel like a failure now instead of only having to deal with half a year of trying to get a crappy part time job to fill up my time. People find out I graduated and ask me what I'm doing now, and I feel my face turning red when I admit that I'm working at Outback and living at home. I make little to no money. I sit and watch television on my days off or run for miles trying to take my mind off the fact that I'm a waste of space. I refresh craigslist and monster and simplyhired and hotjobs every few hours, send off more applications, and sit by the phone waiting for it to ring so I can pounce on it.

Which it never does.

This morning, I was able to haul my ass out of bed and pick Lalo up for some coffee. It was meant to be a hectic day today. Coffee with Lalo, followed by an hour-long gym session, a hurried shower, sushi with my friend Andy, and then a speedy drive to the movie theater to take mom out for her Christmas present (along with post-movie dinner and scrabble/margarita session).

Sickness, however, has reared it's ugly head and what I thought ended yesterday morning came back and hit me with a vengeance post-coffee. Not only did I hack all over Lalo this morning as we caught up and agonized over the prospect of finding jobs, but I was forced to skip the gym in favor of a two hour nap, canceled sushi as I have no appetite other than a constant sense of dehydration that has caused me to fuse a Kirkland water bottle to my right hand, and am now mulling around the house feeling angry with myself that I am too wimpy to even take a walk, let alone try and go for a run.

What a waste of nice weather.

I've been sick for about four days now. What started off as irritability and a general tiredness has evolved into a hacking, congested cough that would make the most emphysemic of smokers blush, a wheeling vertigo whenever I stand up too quickly, constant tiredness and a need to sleep, and little to no appetite. I've been trying to make myself eat but the only thing I've been able to down with any success has been coffee and miso soup. I hate being sick.

On top of all this excitement, I got a call from the temp agency this morning saying that they weren't sure if the receptionist job I was excited about interviewing for this week wanted me, since they hadn't gotten back in touch to confirm an appointment for an interview and it's been almost a week since they submitted my resume and job application materials. This has been the most frustrating job hunt to date. I don't understand why it's so difficult for me to find anything. I mean, I know I don't have any experience yet, but how am I supposed to get any when no one is willing to hire me? Am I really that poorly equipped in the skill department that I can't even get an interview? I mean, at least I have the job at Outback right now and I don't have to worry about paying rent, but I didn't take a year and a half off to sit around my house all day hoping for the temp agency to call me and trying to talk my managers into giving me more shifts. I almost want to look for a second morning job around Upland just so I feel like I'm being productive, but I'm worried that as soon as I find something, I actually WILL get a real job and have to leave suddenly.

This sucks. Being a grown up sucks.

I figured I'd take a small break from my econ cramming marathon to waste time rambling in my neglected lj.

It's so weird to think that this Monday will be the last exam I'll ever have to take for college. Ever. You always think about graduating, always know that the date is approaching, and oftentimes left feeling that it isn't coming fast enough. Than all of a sudden, it's the last month of school and you're left grasping at straws. How did this happen? How did I get so...old all of a sudden? I'm not ready to graduate yet. And yet here we are.

I'm really, really sad about having to leave DC. Though I feel that moving back to California to get a job between my graduating from undergrad and going into law school was a good decision, I really do love this city a lot. In many ways, I wouldn't mind living here eventually. There's so much going on, and such a great scene for 20-somethings. It's very different from the atmosphere in California, but lovely in its own ways. For example, the number of different cultures amalgamating together to form quirky areas like U St or Adams Morgan. Or the way the city tries so hard to keep people interested in what's going on. Or the people from all over the world meeting up to try and make things happen, and actually thinking globally rather than obsessing over the small details of their own life. I'm going to miss it.

Also, I've made some really great friends here that I'm sorry to leave. Every outing has gone from "I'm so excited to see you!" to "Is this the last time we'll be together this year?" I'm going to come back out here next May for graduation activities, but it saddens me to think there will no longer be weekly Project Runway and wine events, no more last minute rushing to the 930 club to see a band, no more phone calls 15 minutes before a prescreening for an impromptu movie date, and no more 3am romps through Adams Morgan navigating the Jumbo Slice graveyard. Sigh.

There are, of course, things I am very happy about leaving. The weather out here, for example, is shit. There's no way for me to get to the beach unless I have access to a car, and even then, the Jersey shore doesn't have anything close to California beaches. And I'll be extremely happy to be back in a place where black people aren't only limited to jobs in the service industry and are suspicious when you try to make conversation with them. That's definitely a weird thing for me out here.

My first priority though, when moving back home, is definitely going to be to find a job as soon as possible. I've literally sent out about 60 resumes trying to set up some sort of job so that I can move out of the house, but I've only heard back from one place so far telling me I didn't meet the eligibility requirements they were looking for. Which I guess is better than no response at all, which seems to be the general trend right now. But honestly, I get a little panicky at the thought of having to live at home for more than a month. I can't deal with it. I'm already a huge worrier, and having to listen to my mom constantly remind me how tight on money we are makes me break into a cold sweat. The sooner I can live on my own income, the better.

Unfortunately, seeing how shitty my job search was for this semester, I don't have enough saved up to be able to really do much with it at the moment, so I think I'm going to have to put those plans on hiatus.

After writing the miserable lj post a few days ago, followed by a ridiculously emo call to my parents in which I basically sobbed about how I felt like I'd messed up, I decided to stop throwing a pity party and actually do something about it. Everyone needs a cry fest from time to time...but I try to only allow this to happen occasionally and for as minimal a period as possible. I sat down at my computer and decided to make things happen.

I have two interviews this week: one with the league of conservation voters (LCV) for a paid internship position, and another with an environmental lawyer in Georgetown looking for personal assistant. The latter is actually quite appealing because not only would I be paid $15/hour (which, given that the gigs I've been doing on the side have been paying me $17-$25 an hour, isn't a whole lot) but I'd have the opportunity to travel with her when she has to go out of state. Could be fun. Plus the obvious bonus of being able to see what environmental lawyers actually DO and whether I feel like I'd enjoy doing that or not. I'm still doing the PR work on the side for a GW alumni who lives up in Dupont, which has been fun and pretty easy. He basically has me do errands for him and fill out paperwork (and probably just wants a college girl to talk to him in his office.

On a random note, don't laugh, but I've actually been toying with the idea of opening a restaurant one day. Or rather, operating a restaurant on a vineyard somewhere. I see myself doing this when I'm in my late 40s, but it's something I've wanted to do for awhile.

In the meantime, I think what I'm going to do is stay out here next semester and try to find some sort of internship or enjoyable part time job, and get some sort of job bartending to earn a little extra money. I also plan to continue with my craigslist gigs because I've been having a lot of fun with them and earning bank. Last week, I worked as a promo model for Saturn. The week before, I was a geisha at a haute couture hair salon in Georgetown. Before that, box office staff for the Green Festival and Billy Crystal. My next gig? I'm working as a model for a local health club that wants me to mow people over with a segway and throw fliers at them. For $22/hour? Sign me up bitches!

Anyways, February is when I plan on taking my LSATs, so I'll be doing classes up in Dupont in January to prep for that. Hopefully, I'll only have to take it the one time and get it over with. I'm about 80% sure I'd like to do law, but I'm definitely glad I'm giving myself time to figure it out for sure. I'm also going to apply for a teaching assistantship in France that would start sometime next summer and continue for a year. They basically place me in a city in France and give me a stipend to support myself. It's not a lot of money, but I'd mainly be going to improve my French, as it's gotten a bit rusty from disuse. Eventually, I'd like to go do some volunteer work in Senegal, so being fluent in French would definitely be an asset for that.

If the assistantship doesn't work out, I think it'd be fun to work as either a park ranger or hospitality for the summer in Yosemite. I've been wanting to go back there for years, and not only would I NOT have to pay rent, but I'd be paid to spent time in one of the most beautiful areas in California. Then I could use the money from that to go travel somewhere else.

I've been tucking away paychecks into CDs to try and earn up some money...law school's definitely going to put me in some debt but I know I'll pay it off eventually. And I'll figure it out. I'll be fine. Life is good...I just have to keep myself busy so that I feel like I'm actually making a difference.

Lots of love to you all. Valerie's been taking good care of me. My posse met up with her posse in Georgetown last Wednesday for Halloween with Pam dressed as a bunny and me dressed as "your mom." Fun times. This was preceded by an awkward storming of the embassies in which Valerie and I dressed up and demanded candy from the ambassadors and actually succeeded in getting a decent amount of spoils.

Graduating early is one of the stupidest decisions I've ever made.

No, seriously. Every time I think about it, I feel nauseated.

As all of you are aware, since I've bitched about it so often before, the main reason I was graduating early was because I felt that doing so would give me some extra money to do something more useful with. However, the money has basically gone into redoing my parent's living room and I won't be getting any of it to help me out after college. I've exchanged an extra semester for a wooden floor, paint job, and furniture in a house that is no longer my own. Awesome.

Additionally, because I was planning on graduating early, I fucked myself over in terms of even being eligible for an extra semester. I'm only taking 12 credits now that I've dropped my CNN internship, which means that while I still am receiving my financial aid package this year, I wouldn't be eligible for the qualifications for next semester. I can't even go and beg my parents to let me stay one more semester now because we just hands-down wouldn't be able to afford it.

The main reason I'm so upset is that I feel like I really fucked up more than I can possibly even dig myself out of. Yes, my grades are good. But they're basically in fairly easy classes that aren't going to help me find work after college. I want to take more difficult coursework. I'd like to take some environmental studies courses as well. And I need to make connections so that I have someone to write a letter of recommendation for me when I go to law school. Unfortunately, because my professors this semester (not all, but many) are boneheads, I haven't been able to weed one out to be buddy buddy with. I was speaking with my friend's brother over the phone yesterday who was really emphasizing that I find a professor to get close with. But honestly? I can't see myself carrying on a conversation for more than 2 minutes with any of them except maybe my economic professor. I'm probably going to start targeting him, but what I really need is a professor who can comment on my writing ability. Unfortunately, none of my classes this semester are very writing intensive.

I also wish I were doing another semester so I could do a different internship. There are so many great opportunities around here that I didn't even know about, and now that I'm graduating I can't really do them.

I'm pretty sure I still want to do law school. I'm glad that I'm taking some time off to figure out whether I'm absolutely sure about this, but man. I feel sick to my stomach almost all the time. I thought I was setting myself up to enjoy senior year, and instead, this has become the most worrisome situation I could've possibly imagined. I don't know what to do anymore.

So I just quit job #2. Job #1, of course, was CNN, which I quit last week.

My head hurts so much.

I don't know where my life is going, honestly. Is it a mistake to leave a job with a well known company when you know you're going to be miserable working there? I just don't know what the heck I'm doing or what I even want to do. Maybe I should have just opted for law school straight out of college...but do I even want to do that?

Basically, I was really excited about job #2. It was at a well-known, small real estate company in Dupont Circle, and I took on the job with the impression that it would be a fairly easy part time job where I would be given facts and background about various development projects going on in the area. I would need to write a blog about the information, update old information, and respond to any questions raised in the comments section. This would all be in exchange for $12 an hour and a wonderful job atmosphere. The people who work there are incredible, very friendly, and amazing to work with. So initially, when I started off work this morning, I was very optimistic.

However, this all changed once I realized what a massive project this really is. I would be keeping a blog alright, but they weren't supplying me with any information whatsoever. What they expected me to do was to come up with stories that were in the process of forming but that hadn't yet come to fruition. They wanted to be the first to break these stories. Not only that, but each story should only take about 2 hours to churn out. This would involve me calling every architect, developer, and community member I could possibly get a hold of, gathering all the information I could, going through search engines to scan and see if this information was known by the public already, and then pulling together a few blogs about three or four of these projects. This also requires me having an extensive knowledge of every possible development project in the area and doing extra work to show up at meetings and poke around in community newsletters looking for something that might be a story. This also meant that I might be halfway through researching only to find out that all of my sources are outdated and that the information is old news.

Now, if this project was merely me contacting people whose names I already had, or writing a story from information already put together, or even having a database of information that I could peruse to piece together a story that had even been slightly developed, then maybe I could commit 12 hours a week to this. But I honestly spent the entire six hours floundering in all the information I was sifting through and getting absolutely nothing done whatsoever. If this were a real, full time job, then I might be willing to plow through it and plug away until I understood how I'm supposed to go about doing it. But this was just way too much for me. I called in my resignation on the way home after a frantic phone call to Valerie, followed by another frantic phone call to my dad in which I nearly burst into tears.

I don't understand what's wrong with me. I mean, seriously, before I left GW I was taking 4 honors courses and two non-honors courses, working an 18 hour a week job, and doing all the extra side stuff for Belize. How the eff did I pull all that off before? I can barely handle four classes now.

On top of that there's the nagging voice in the back of my mind reminding me that the clock is ticking in terms of making some major career decisions. But how am I supposed to prepare myself for anything when I don't even know what it is I want to prepare for? Have I made a huge mistake?

ndfwkenfknf

As I sit here in the ridiculously early hours of the morning, reading the NY Times with my feet propped up on the window sill, wrapped up in a blanket and laughing all at all the people I can see rushing to get to work on time outside my window, I realize how happy I am at this moment in my life, but how utterly terrified I am about next year.
If studying abroad taught me one thing about myself, it's that I'm happiest when I'm on an adventure. I don't care if it's being kidnapped by a tuk-tuk and forced to go to every tailor shop in Bangkok, being jabbed with an AK-47 at a mine in India, or looking over my shoulder for police as I watched a bus being lit on fire as a Squamish chief dances around on top of it. I'm addicted. I've had a taste of life outside the U.S. and now that I'm back here, I realize just how badly I want to continue traveling. It's not that I don't like the U.S. In fact, traveling made me love the U.S. more than I ever have. When I left here to go abroad over a year ago, I was bitter about the current state of affairs and was even toying with the idea of life as an ex-pat. But now I realize that if anything, the U.S. needs me here. I can't just throw in a towel and say I hate the way things are and someone needs to fix them, when in fact, it's people like me who need to jump in and do something.
I don't even think it's so much world travel that I'm craving, but adventure in general. I would give anything to take off on a trek over the Appalachian Trail, or a bike ride in the Rocky Mountains. I'd love to go back to Yosemite and climb to the top of Half Dome, or head off to Alaska and explore the national parks there that I missed out on. I used to imagine myself completely content to land a position at a huge corporate company upon graduation, but honestly, I don't think I could be satisfied with that anymore. I still want to go into law, but I don't know if I could work for a giant corporate firm. Maybe I'd start out at one just to repay my loans that I'm inevitably going to end up taking out to pay for my JD, but I think the lifestyle of a quasi-shitty apartment and jeans really appeals to me. I don't know if it's because my travels have lowered my standards to the point where I question their existence, or if I just feel uncomfortable with the idea of owning something like an expensive car or gaudy hand bags when I've lived among people who are starving and can't even afford a decent pair of shoes. Or both. Either way, I'm approaching a major cross roads in my life where I'm going to have to make some serious choices that will shape my future, and I feel a bit at a loss of where I want to go.
Working at CNN was a bit disappointing the first two days, but after venting my frustrations to friends and getting their input on what they would do in my situation, I've decided I'm going to try and stick it out. Sure, I don't agree with some of the viewpoints of the program I'm working for. And I'm not getting to be as involved in what's going on as I'd like to be. But maybe this is my cue to take some initiative and create some projects for myself where I'll get something out of it. For example, I would love to learn how to use Final Cut Pro (a digital editing tool that allows you to splice together and edit video) or create podcasts. I sat in on a video edit yesterday and was completely fascinated by the process. And seeing how I would like to become involved in some aspect of media law, basic know-hows like this would only help me to figure out what sort of media I want to deal in. And the two ladies I work with are incredibly nice and willing to work with me rather than throw useless jobs in my direction, so I consider that a definite plus.
I've also been researching options for after graduation that don't involve me committing two years of my life to corporate bitch work. Don't laugh, but a paid job in Antarctica doing research for a month or two? Dude, I'll do it. Or a working visa in New Zealand? Hell yes. Teaching children in Lithuania how to speak English? Sure, sign me up. Anything that allows me to travel more and let's me call the shots in terms of how long I want to be there and what I want to get out of it. And if it means I have to work full time somewhere before hand to earn up some money for plane tickets? Well, then hopefully any web editing skills I can pick up this semester at my internship will come in handy.

Ohhhh I'm going to be broke broke broke!

After a nearly week-long extravaganza of breaking into my old storage unit and rummaging around through all the junk I had thrown in there prior to going abroad last year (it was a process akin to what you would have if you combined amnesia, Christmas, and Goodwill into one beautifully neurotic situation), I'm officially moved into my apartment and have hit the ground running in terms of re-adjusting to my city life.
Being back in DC is just like before, except this time, the sense of misery that seemed to shadow over everything I did and got involved with has unexpectedly dissipated. Where is the gloomy gray cloud that seemed to veil everything both freshman and sophomore year? Could it be that I was the source of my own sufferings before I went abroad? Could this semester actually be...wonderful?
It sure seems like it right now. Of course, this is only my third day back to school, but honestly, I feel incredibly optimistic about what the future has in store for me. I was assigned to the E St building with three random roommates, but the rooming situation seems to be great thus far. Two girls are in one room, and my roommate Kang and I are in the other. Kang is the most perfect roommate I could've asked for. We're both pretty easy going, she's incredibly sweet, and both of us like to go out but know how to respect each other's space. And because all of us were put in this room without knowing anyone else in it prior to move-in, there's no awkward sense of having to include everyone in all of our activities. We're literally four independent people sharing the confines of one living space.
I was also overwhelmed by the amount of texts and facebook messages and such from people all over campus asking me to meet up with them asap. I was missed! I was excited to see people I hadn't seen for awhile, but uncertain about whether they really cared I had been gone for awhile or not. However, these uncertainties have certainly been dispelled over the course of the last two days. I've barely had time to sit down, which is exactly the way I like it.
I start my internship with CNN next week, and I'm pretty excited about it. I had to figure out what the hell I was doing in terms of jobs, but once I actually made the decision, it all seemed to fall into place nicely. I feel good about this. And I don't need to worry too much that it's unpaid, because I'll be working part time on Tuesdays and Thursdays doing some assistant litigation work at a small law firm in Dupont Circle. My schedule is spread out nicely and there's plenty of room to relax between classes and work, or at least for the time being. I'll definitely have some nice additions to my resume after I finish up with everything, and since I'm attending a senior seminar, I'll be receiving my honors degree without having to write a thesis paper. BAM!
This weekend, I'll be hitting up McFadden's with some of my friends for free drink night sponsored by GW, a free wine tour in Prince Michel's Vineyard with one of my freshmen year roommates, and kayaking down the Potomac with one of my close friends from Belize.

Hope this lasts :)

Val I'm so excited for you to come out so I can show you around!

Growing up is hard, but hitting that point where you know you're grasping at the few months you have left before you're really, truly, 'grown up' is frustrating.

As I've become an Office addict like the rest of you, I think I'll use a little anecdote from an episode I was watching last week. It's the Take Your Daughter to Work episode, where Michael Scott tells everyone they're allowed to bring their daughters in to Dunder Mifflin for the day. Pam, not having any children of her own, decides her goal is to make friends with at least one of the kids who come in by the end of the day. To aid in her pursuit, she strategically places three heaping bowls of candy in front of her workspace in the hopes of starting up a conversation with one of the children. At one point in the show, Stanley's daughter approaches the candy bowl and grabs a handful. Noticing Pam's artwork lying on the desk, Stanley's daughter starts up a conversation...

Abby [Stanley's daughter]: I want to be an artist when I grow up.
Pam: (excited) Me too!
Abby: ... You are grown-up.

Oh man. Pam, I feel for you. I sooo feel for you.

When was that crossing over point when we had to stop starting our sentences with "when I grow up..."? I still say it from time to time, of course, maybe more out of a joking denial that I am, actually, an adult. But am I really? I feel like if I were thrown out into the real world now, I'd be able to handle myself, but I'd be doing so in a state of thunderstruck oblivion. How the hell do you pay bills? How do you go about handling health insurance? What do I do if someone breaks into my apartment and steals shit? How do you sign a lease for an apartment? What the hell is a tax id number for? These are questions I've never really needed to concern myself with, but that hit me in the face this morning after an unexpected blow from my mother about next year.

I was sitting in my parents' room watching reruns of Top Chef on TiVo when I told mom that the Discovery Channel had called me at 6 this morning wanting me to come in for an interview. I told them I wouldn't be in town until next Thursday, at which point they said they'd get back to me. Though I'm pretty sure I'll be opting for the PR position with the Harbor Group if I'm offered the job tomorrow, since a)it's paid, b) it's within walking distance, and c) I wouldn't have to file for course credit through GW (ie do a 30 page paper and 300 pages of additional reading), it was comforting to know that television companies were interested in me even though I lack experience. She said that was great and continued getting ready for work. "Man," I sighed. "I just wish I knew what I was doing with my life." She frowned and looked up at me. "Well, you better figure it out soon because I'm not paying for you next year."

I wasn't really expecting that. I mean, I wasn't expecting her to pay for my expenses next year, but I also didn't expect to be totally cut off. "You should try finding a job that includes health insurance," she continued. "And if you expect to keep living in the city you better start living more modestly. Don't eat out with your friends all the time."

Okay, first of all, I'm one of the most obnoxiously modest people I know in terms of lifestyle. I rarely buy new clothes, I'm so cheap that it annoys people, and I pinch pennies like a miserly old man. And secondly...holy shit, what do I do now?! I have money saved up, but not nearly enough to be able to throw down for rent every month, let alone health care and dental and whatever the hell else I'd have to pay for. Arrrrrgh. Law school, you are so close and yet so far.

I guess I expected the money I'd be saving by graduating early to go into my savings to be used for helping me out when I graduated, but instead it's gone into my parents' grand plan of remodeling the house once we've left. Which makes no sense to me, since there's only going to be two people living in it...so why add on another story? Why extend the kitchen when no one here ever cooks? Why put down wood floors when we have dogs running all over them 24/7? Why add a gym when Diana and I are the only ones who ever work out? I don't understand.

I also don't understand how my parents seem to waste money on such trivial things. Mom doesn't want to sell the Jeep, for example. She wants to donate it because she doesn't want to deal with going through a selling it. I told her I'd sell it for her and she got mad and said she was going to donate it and that was final. And she told me to drop it when I tried to bring it up again. What? And then there's dad who's decided that he's going to relive his childhood by buying hundreds of replicas of things that remind him of being a kid. Toy trains, coins, movies, books, bottles, memorabilia...of course I'd understand if he were buying these and displaying them, but really all that happens is they get tucked away in a corner somewhere to collect dust.

Man, I don't even want to think about this stuff right now. Money sucks.

Hey guys,

If any of you have time, I encourage you to write to info@21choices.com and tell them that you're pissed about them raising all of their prices by $1. That's totally absurd. Honestly though, I think if enough people voice their complaints they might do something about it.

Well, the plan was (and is, seeing how I posted a notice on craigslist this morning) to have a yard sale this Saturday. Unfortunately, it wasn't until after 6pm that I realized that Upland requires all yard sales to register with the city council office 7 days in advance with a $4 fee and that rule #5 dictates when yard sales can be held. Too bad mine's starting at 7.

5.20.070 Yard sale regulations.

A. Yard sales may be conducted only in the following manner:

1. An application must be made to and a permit must be obtained from the finance department to conduct a yard sale. Any fee for the permit shall be established by resolution.

2. Up to three yard sales may be held at a single address in a calendar year.

3. No purchased or consigned merchandise may be offered for sale.

4. Each yard sale may run no more than three consecutive days.

5. The yard sale may be conducted only between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m.

6. Signage is limited to one sign posted on the property where the sale is held during the duration of the sale only. The sign may not exceed two feet by two feet in size and may not be placed in the public right of way.

7. No goods may be placed in the public right-of-way.

B. The provisions of this section shall not apply to churches, public schools, or charitable organizations if the sale is conducted on the property of the organization and not in a private residence. If such sale is conducted at a private residence, all of the provisions of this section shall apply.

C. The term “yard sale” as used in this section means and includes lawn or yard sale, attic sale, rummage sale, moving sale, patio sale, garage sale, temporary bazaar or other similar sale, and means any sale held for the purpose of selling, trading, bargaining, exchanging or otherwise disposing of unwanted or surplus household furnishings, personal goods or other tangible property of the person holding such sale. (Prior code § 6540.7)

Um, so...hopefully they aren't actually dicks about this and let me off the hook? I'd pick up a registration thing tomorrow except the entirety of the Upland town hall area closes Fri through Sun. Has anyone else had a problem with this?

I always hate packing. Packing means saying goodbye to friends you know you'll see again, but with the big question of 'when' stuck in your head the entire time you're trying to enjoy final moments with them. I also hate trying to negotiate how to consume the rest of my leftover food before I leave so it doesn't go to waste, how to pack my bags so that the airline doesn't charge me for obese luggage, and whether it's better to exchange my leftover baht/aussie dollars for US money or whether I should just try and use all of it in Australia before I go. Argh. Oh, on top of all this is the fact that I still have errands to run which I can't do before I go now thanks to the Queen's birthday this Monday, which means all of Australia shuts down to observe one of its few holidays. Stress.
I leave for home Tuesday morning with my friend Caitie, arrive in LAX where I have a two hour layover, then shuffle over to the domestic terminal to fly out to Vegas so I can keep my mom company during her real estate conference. I'm excited to see people again, but not really that psyched about being home for the summer. I love being in Upland and seeing all you guys, but...yeah, let's just say unanticipated stress is going to be around this summer. Not looking forward to it.
These last few days should be fun, but it's hard to think that I'm leaving everyone here in only a few days. Last night we all went out to a Greek restaurant with my friend's mom and then headed back to CSQ for way too much wine and silly games. Tonight we'll pay our final respects to Pugg's and tomorrow salsa it up at Nightcat, only to end Monday with a goodbye to Richard and a day of frantic packing before leaving early Tuesday morning. I'm still jetlagged from Thailand and developing a cold. But I'm realizing how happy I am with this last year and looking forward to getting GW over with this next semester.

I'll see all of you shortly! Happy Birthday again to Erica (I'm sorry I wasn't able to call you but I will when I get back to the US)!

I absolutely cannot believe I'm going to be leaving for Thailand on Thursday. Which is probably why I'm not yet frantic about packing. All in due time. But despite what my mom would recommend, I definitely prefer packing the night before because otherwise you end up having to pull things out of your suitcase that you packed already...like deodorant.
So yes, I'm really excited about going to Thailand...but kind of sad as well because I'm only going to get to see my friends a couple more times before we head back to the states. I know I wasn't really sure if I was happy about going to Melbourne at first, but now that I've been here awhile and settled in, I can't imagine going anywhere else. I've made a ton of really wonderful friends that I hope to keep in touch with when I get back to the states. Twelve of us went out to dinner tonight on Lygon for one more get together before I leave for Thailand and it was a lot of fun. We all pulled out our fanciest outfits and got all decked out for no reason in particular. I got a wonderful seafood gnocchi complete with a whole, bigger than I've ever seen in my life king prawn. The restaurant we went to bribed us to come to their place by offering us free wine and garlic bread. Um, yes?

So yeah, lots of laughter, funny photos, and good food. Yesterday, Shikha, Melissa, Kate, Lisa, and I all went down to Chapel St to go exploring and I realized how great this city would be to live in if it were in the states. Melbourne's got so many unique places that are reasonably close to the city center, and I'm sad to think that I'm only just beginning to explore all of them. Australia's a bit far for me to actually live here permanently, but Melbourne's such an awesome city it's a shame there isn't a duplicate in the U.S. The night before yesterday, Shika, Akemi, and I went out to a night club that had bhangra music and free entry for the ladies. This was all after a full day of wine tasting in the Yarra Valley with my Arcadia friends. So despite the fact I was accosted by a man in a turban several times, it was heaps of fun. I danced until I literally couldn't move anymore.

It's hard to believe how fast time has gone by, and even harder to believe that I only have a semester of university left before I graduate. I'm definitely ready for it though. Despite the fact that I continue to have no school pride whatsoever, I don't regret going to GW. When I picked out colleges in high school, I knew I wanted to travel, and GW has been great in letting me do that. And being able to live on the east coast has just proved to me how much I'm really a west coast girl at heart. This doesn't mean that I might not one day live somewhere on the east coast, but it's not a goal I'm pursuing. I've gotten everything out of GW I wanted, and I'm glad I'll be getting out of there in the fall. And even more glad that Pam and Silvia are both coming out to visit!

See all you Californians in a month or so (I can't believe it's so soon)!

Hey everyone! I thought I'd give everyone a little update on what's going on in the hopes that it will inspire you all to do the same since, well, I have nothing better to do as of late except refresh my livejournal page and my e-mail since I'm definitely out of money and am thus dying of boredom in my apartment most days. Yay!

I'll be coming home June 12th, as most of you already know. I may not actually be in Upland until a bit later depending on if my mom decides to do a real estate course in Vegas or not. If she does end up doing it, I'll probably be flying from LAX to Vegas to stay with her there for a bit before going back to Upland.

I may have found a job for the summer! One of my mom's best friends works at the California Speedway and I e-mailed her asking if there was any way to shadow someone or intern for the media/communications department, and she told me that the intern had just left and that she'd try to get me the spot. Which is great because it'd definitely help next semester with trying to land some sort of internship in DC, which would in turn give me a leg up for finding a job when I graduate. Hopefully it works out...nothing's for certain as of right now but I'm keeping optimistic.

No more blonde jokes for me. I got rid of my blonde hair this morning and had it dyed a deep brown color, which I actually really like. I'm going to be unrecognizable when I get home, haha. Definitely have gained about six pounds since coming here. Which I'm not too upset about.

My roommate and I went to check out some of the bands around Melbourne last night. I'm definitely trying to make the most of the rest of my time here by scoping out all the free events I can find. School's not even out yet, but I've already finished all my finals so I basically have a ton of spare time before I head off to Thailand and no money to help me occupy this time...also because of Thailand. So the last couple weeks have filled with long walks in all the parks (I already found two new ones and have a few more in mind I need to run through), reading terrible books that I find in the library, hitting up all the bars with free live music, going to free television show tapings, getting into the Melbourne museum with a student id, and tonight going off to Crown casino to watch other people gamble and debate whether I want to try my luck. Which I probably won't seeing how lucky I usually am with slot machines.

So, that's basically it at the moment. I'm enjoying Australia, but definitely looking forward to getting back to the states and getting to see everyone again.